Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in wounded_ninja's LiveJournal:

Monday, December 26th, 2005
12:18 am	One Month... It has been one month since I last talked to her...I thought I was doing better but with this whole holiday season thing I have undergone a serious relapse. I feel so alone still I want to talk to her but I know it will only bring more pain. I want to see her but I know it will only complicate things in my mind. I don't even know if she still remembers me or if she reads this or looks for me online, does she still care? What does it matter? I just don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I am so confused I want to talk to her but fear I can't handle it. I just want someone to love and to be loved by. I know what she gave Ted for christmas and it haunts my mind, I know what she is going to give Ted for his birthday and it drives me insane. What can I do I am a total nut case! The one good thing is I have begun to snowboard and DAMN do I look hot!!!!!! but nuff with the pissing and moaning, if you are reading this and want to call me go ahead I will deal with it. I will say however although it has been a month it feels like an eternity. All I have is my love -Mark- Current Mood: sad Current Music: The song we hooked up with in my car (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
9:50 pm	Of all the deeds I've done... I am still lamenting over the injustice I served to my friend the other night. I feel so shitty inside I just want to vomit. I still love her but I want her to be happy. yes the Ted thing bothers me but it is something I am going to have to get used to if it is what makes her happy. I want her to be happy, if that means Ted than that is what it means. I am just so worried about her I am afraid that Ted will do something stupid and hurt her emotionally and I don't want her to cry. Of all the things I have heard he sounds like a player and I don't want him playing my friend. I do want to say however that I am gratefull that my friend still wants to work on our friendship after all that I have done to her, she truely is a wonderful person. I just want her to know that I miss her and that maybe one day we can both enjoy a bottle of wine while watching a movie as friends. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: The killers (Comment on this)
2:31 am	2:30 in the morning So I have a dentist appointment at 10am in farmington so I need to be up by 8. I feel hurt, does she really want me out of her life permanently? Am I no longer a friend to her? After what happened Sun. night I can understand and there was no excuse for my actions. I AM SO EMBARASSED! I don't know if you read anything of mine anymore and I am sure you have quit writing on your forsakengoddess acount because I can read it. I just feel so hurt and confused these days. How much have you lied to me about? Am I yesterdays trash to you? I have just been competely stepped out on. Do you remember the week when your parents went out of town just before christmas, I can over and made you look for my pecils and you began to cry because you couldn't find them so I said we should sit watch some tv and calm down. We ended up spending three days together in eachothers arms. Those were the best three days of my life. I still remember the back rub you gave me the first night we hungout and the bottle of wine. I remeber before your mom said I could stay over I would fall asleep on the couch with you in my arms watching adultswim. How about the time we went to your dads play downtown. The time we went to Canada. last one, when I took you to the christmas party last year, I was so proud to introduce you to John as my girlfriend the girl I love. I still am in love with you sweety that why I hurt, I understand you don't love me anymore and you aren't attracted to me but that is what hurts the most...that you fell out of love with me and have begun to fall in love with someone else. I love you and... I'm sorry Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: anything sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
9:17 pm	I love you I'll kill you... Yeah so I know the truth now, thanx to this stupid site. I am now slowly starting to come to grips with reality. The cool thing is that now I am going to buy my dad's townhouse in June and get my life underway. The only thing that makes me feel better about the whole Ted and Jackie situation is that now he will have to put up with her constant mood fluctuations, I really think she is Bi-polar like myself. If that is the case it would explain alot, like the switch from happiness to saddness in just a few minutes and the constant self loathing, her inexplicable need for drama and chaos. It would also explain why I felt a kindered spirt the first time I met her. So the only question I have now is "Where do I go from here?" Current Mood: curious Current Music: Crystal Method (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 14th, 2005
1:11 am	the darkness The darkness is all around me It circles enveloping The depth unfathomable Black is the light The pain engulfing Tearing me apart Drive me mad with all this wonder Drive me mad with all this worry All I do is weep All I have is nothing Reaching out with all this need Reaching out for relief But you... YOU are not there. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Love song for a vampire (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 13th, 2005
9:47 pm	Still drunk... Ok so I am not drunk, but I might feel alot better if I was. The good news is I am feeling alot better and have made contacts with alot of lost friends again. It feels so good. I fixed my friend Heidi's car today and that was cool, now she can get to places she needs to go, too bad none of them is my house HAHAHA JK. Jeff and I were thinking about going to the roller derby match tomorrow night and then hitting up the bars in that area. I just hope I don't spend too much money this weekend. Tex has decided to give up the bottle, HURRY!!!, but he says he is still going to drink beer. Derick is going to have to move out because he is driving me crazy, doesn't help out at all. Tim agrees that Rainbow is trying to make him quit, I hope he does. Nate really liked this girl Cali but then she went and got a boyfriend right under his nose, he is a little bummed. I started my meds again and I think they are helping me through this tough period, but I don't want to get dependant on them. I am having a hard time finding things to do to fill my time since I dropped out of school. I have nothing to do and nowhere to really go. Hopefully next week Tex and I are going to go work on that house in Northfield, I would make some money out there. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Tool (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 6th, 2005
12:37 am	Alchohol Yeah I am drunk and it feels so good because it has been soooooo long. All I want to say is FUCK YOU!!!! fuck all of you because it feels so good to say. It's been a long time comming but it needs to be said. GOD I LOVE HER but she hurts me soo. What can I do? how do I let go? Why is it that I need her in my life? Why is it that I love her sooooo very much? Why is she pushing me away? Doesn't she love me anymore? IS SHE FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE? Or is it that she has fallen out of love and she no longer cares for me in the same way or capacity. Look at me I am rambling, I can't help but feel she is doing things behind my back and not telling me about them. I can't trust her anymore. I just want to stop loving her, I just want to move on, I just want to leave her, I JUST WANT TO STOP HURTING!!!!!!! Please make the hurt go away. Sometime I just want to die...Please I just want to die. I know you can read this so please just kill me, emotionally, spiritually, physically, something I can't take it anymore. PLEASE GOD TAKE THE HURT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Revis (Comment on this)